I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
