He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
