Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
