A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
