Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
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How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This baby is an asshole
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Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.