someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound