My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
