you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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