he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
