Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
