dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
