I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
