you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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