Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
