listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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