chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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