so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
