Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
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