im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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