Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
