I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Its about making memories worth repressing
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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