Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
