dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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