I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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