I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
