hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
