i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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