I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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