I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
