The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
