Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
