my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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