please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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