My liver just broke up with me...
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Can I color on your dick again?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
