I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
