I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
