smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
