I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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