does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
