you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
