I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
