Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
