If i come over, it means nothing
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
