did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
