"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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