Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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