Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
