My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
