I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
