do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
