It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize
