Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
