Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
is wine microwaveable?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
