Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I didn't notice because vodka
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
