So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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