You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
