my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
