I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
