I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
