I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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