Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
