It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
